maybe that's the reason . . .
Deleting you from my life is a must. But I don't even know if that's possible..
Regret? No. If I had a list of sad tragedies that ended up with tears of regrets, getting to know you will certainly not be a part of it. No matter how many times my eyes had swollen because of you and I had to make up stories to those people who asked about it. The answer is still a No.
Having you in my life for about 3 years was something. And when I say 'something', that means you sure had left a great mark in it. Permanent mark to be exact.
You've left me.
I have not moved on. I need you to know that. Not even a single day missed without me crying. I'm still bleeding inside. I really don't know how to heal. People told me how to cure it but they didn't tell me that it WILL be cured. They DIDN'T. As if they were not sure of it. As if they were just saying it 'cause they just needed to say something to me , right? Well I didn't blame them. They were just being friends.
Countless activities had we ventured together. The best part of it, you were there with me when I was pacing my feet in the teenage years. Ever since I was in the late Form 4, we started getting to know each other. I remember how I often secretly looked at you when we were lining up during assemblies. You wore a pair of white Converse to school. I remembered that probably 'cause students didn't wear those to school. We would sometime smile when we were aware of each other's sight. I was in Form 5, you were no longer schooling. But you were still there (in front of the school) 'cause you worked there. We met almost every day. Not a day passed without stories to tell. I was in my busy teenage year then, taking my SPM, you were getting into a Uni.
You said distance would just be a challenge. I said no matter how far, our hearts would be just as close as they had ever been before.
We were running fine, in fact, more than amazing in our first few separating years. Our love grew stronger and every second was more precious when we got to meet. You've taught me a lot of things in life. I couldn't forget how wondrous you were when you talked about your life long dreams. I remembered myself smiling while you were talking. You also taught me that sometimes, rules were meant to be broken. I got to explore the world that I've never known while I was with you. At that point, I knew that it wasn't just a puppy love. It was far more than that. Our love was like a love story book that I would be eager to read.
But somehow, it came to a halt.
There was no one to be blamed. Not you. Not me. Maybe Allah lent you into my life just for a while and I do not need any reason to be mad about it. Contrary, I'm really grateful. Your presence have made my life more meaningful. Having loved by you created an enormous impact in my life, even if it was just for a while.
Sorry we didn't get to cross a few activities out of our list. We didn't get to walk on the beach while mesmerizing the moonlight like we've always dreamt of. You wanted to bring me to a fine dining, just once, but we didn't 'cause we ended up eating in a food court every time we went out. You and I both had the same idea about spending, I guess . You promised to drive me anywhere I wanted to go when you get your driving license. We didn't get to go for a hike at Broga Hills and we didn't get to watch the sunrise together like we've always planned to. You wanted to cook for me but up until now I still couldn't get a taste on your dish. To tell you the truth, my list could go on and on 'cause I have so many plans with you.
But the amount of time we spent together was more than enough to make you a special person, to make us memorable.
I don't know to what scale I could predict that you won't come back. But I'm bad at lying to myself. Every day I'm hoping that someday memories can help bring you back to me. Every day I wonder when are you going to remember me. Remember how you have once loved me. But I trust in fate. If Allah wants it to happen than it will.
Unconditionally. That is how I love you. Is. Was. And how it will forever be.
