I've Forgotten How My Life Was Before You Came Into It

maybe that's the reason . . .

Deleting you from my life is a must. But I don't even know if that's possible..

Regret? No. If I had a list of sad tragedies that ended up with tears of regrets, getting to know you will certainly not be a part of it. No matter how many times my eyes had swollen because of you and I had to make up stories to those people who asked about it. The answer is still a No.

Having you in my life for about 3 years was something. And when I say 'something', that means you sure had left a great mark in it. Permanent mark to be exact.

You've left me.

I have not moved on. I need you to know that. Not even a single day missed without me crying. I'm still bleeding inside. I really don't know how to heal. People told me how to cure it but they didn't tell me that it WILL be cured. They DIDN'T. As if they were not sure of it. As if they were just saying it 'cause they just needed to say something to me , right? Well I didn't blame them. They were just being friends.

Countless activities had we ventured together. The best part of it, you were there with me when I was pacing my feet in the teenage years. Ever since I was in the late Form 4, we started getting to know each other. I remember how I often secretly looked at you when we were lining up during assemblies. You wore a pair of white Converse to school. I remembered that probably 'cause students didn't wear those to school. We would sometime smile when we were aware of each other's sight. I was in Form 5, you were no longer schooling. But you were still there (in front of the school) 'cause you worked there. We met almost every day. Not a day passed without stories to tell. I was in my busy teenage year then, taking my SPM, you were getting into a Uni.

You said distance would just be a challenge. I said no matter how far, our hearts would be just as close as they had ever been before.

We were running fine, in fact, more than amazing in our first few separating years. Our love grew stronger and every second was more precious when we got to meet. You've taught me a lot of things in life. I couldn't forget how wondrous you were when you talked about your life long dreams. I remembered myself smiling while you were talking. You also taught me that sometimes, rules were meant to be broken. I got to explore the world that I've never known while I was with you. At that point, I knew that it wasn't just a puppy love. It was far more than that. Our love was like a love story book that I would be eager to read.

But somehow, it came to a halt.

There was no one to be blamed. Not you. Not me. Maybe Allah lent you into my life just for a while and I do not need any reason to be mad about it. Contrary, I'm really grateful. Your presence have made my life more meaningful. Having loved by you created an enormous impact in my life, even if it was just for a while.

Sorry we didn't get to cross a few activities out of our list. We didn't get to walk on the beach while mesmerizing the moonlight like we've always dreamt of. You wanted to bring me to a fine dining, just once, but we didn't 'cause we ended up eating in a food court every time we went out. You and I both had the same idea about spending, I guess . You promised to drive me anywhere I wanted to go when you get your driving license. We didn't get to go for a hike at Broga Hills and we didn't get to watch the sunrise together like we've always planned to. You wanted to cook for me but up until now I still couldn't get a taste on your dish. To tell you the truth, my list could go on and on 'cause I have so many plans with you.

But the amount of time we spent together was more than enough to make you a special person, to make us memorable.

I don't know to what scale I could predict that you won't come back. But I'm bad at lying to myself. Every day I'm hoping that someday memories can help bring you back to me. Every day I wonder when are you going to remember me. Remember how you have once loved me. But I trust in fate. If Allah wants it to happen than it will.

Unconditionally. That is how I love you. Is. Was. And how it will forever be. 

The Start of A New Sem..

it's sem 3 now.
oh wait! Pelik tak i didn't write anything while i was in Sem 2? Okay tak pelik, IB students are aware of how tak pelik that is. We were all  so busy, "tahap gaban", people said, and it will be worse this upcoming sem.
all I could say is :

Sem 1 : When you are settling in and being intimidated by all sorts of warnings about the upcoming torchers.
Sem 2 : You are introduced to those torchers such as EE, IAs, Maths Exploration, ect. And you tell yourself, oh i must finish this before sem3 starts, but nahhh.. you didn't do it.
Sem 3 : You'll reach the peak of your patience. It's a killing sem. It's the submit-everything sem. Which I'm about to start feeling the heat.
Sem 4 : Can't say much. Haven't reach it yet. Maybe you would want to relax and take a little breather as you've passed up all assignments, but no! IB big exam is just around the corner.. ("muahaha".. if IB is a devil, he would laugh at you like that)

Oh well.. I've survived 2 sems, Alhamdulillah. Another 2 to go, In Shaa Allah. Though my academic performance in the first 2 semesters was..not..that.. i n t e r e s t i n g to be shared , umm yeahh.. I survived.

Ok
It's a new sem. new beginning. new 'azam' (like always) ,
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

It Has Been Magical.

You appeared. Subsequently, my world changed.

You're imperfect. I don't doubt that. There are unticked boxes in your list of perfection, which I discovered since I first met you. But don't worry as I am here to fill them up as you're filling in mine.

You're not good with words. Phrasing up words to make me feel better is rather challenging for you. But I know you're trying. I was surprised when you came up with a letter that I teared when I was only on the first page. Throughout the letter, all our memories were constantly hitting on my mind like a whirlwind. It was beautiful..

You're lack of the understanding of women's issues. Especially when I was mad.  You just don't get it, do you? Haha. You're good in Googling. Why don't you search up for the women's fact about what to do when they got pissed off over you, would 'ya? Heee.. As time passed by, I sometimes am already immune by the fact that you're just insensitive about that part, that's all, not like you just couldn't care less or something. 

You don't have many ideas of grand romantic gestures. Yes you don't, dear. When the special days come by, you don't really know what to do other than just to meet me. Then I'll ask, "Now what?". And you'll go, "Urm.. let's just go there", without any advance planning. When we have no more place to crash, we end up sitting in the car without that air-conditioning on 'cause I'd like my petrol to be saved. Girls would like their loved ones to sing a song, buy a cake, present them with a gift, prepare them a set of table to have a romantic meal together. Hahaha but imagining you doing that, I should probably shut those daydreams up quickly. But .. you give me more than that. You don't plan to be all romeo and stuff. Everything you do, I see the sincerity in you. 

You don't have much things to offer me. You have some financial issues which probably the reason why you're getting skinnier and skinnier when you're back at your Uni. No, I don't mean any hurtful comment about that. I'm accepting you as you are. As much as all other girls get expensive surprises from theirs, I don't expect them from you. I honestly don't. But you got me a music box on my birthday which was quite costly. I appreciated it with all my heart. 

Meeting you was a fate. Knowing you was magical. You make me feel appreciated as I have that some sort of assurance that someone is thinking about me, caring about me, loving me. Distance would just be another word for challenge. A challenge to see how strong our love is.

But now...